Another Marketing Coup?
When will it stop? When will companies realize that they are producing products so unhealthy that ruin our health? I'm sure the new Vanilla Coke tastes great but what is it doing to out teeth? And what is in Coke anyway? Not much more then sugar.
Better than the real thing?
And you wonder why America is a fattest nation in the world!
For some unknown reason, I feel the need to revisit all the past emotions I felt and how each one of these girls made me feel and what they meant to me. Probably none will ever see this but it is something I need to say. So, stay tuned to this blog for a riveting and emotional outpouring on the following pieces of my heart:
Robin R - My first realization that girls where something important
Beth O - My first awkward courting methods
Gretchen S - My first problematic relationship
Amy P - A brief fleeting moment on the dance floor
Gail P - A great girl who might have been my prom date
Liz K - The swim club Hottie
Eve F - My first " I wish she would like me" relationship
Jeanne M - The first time I realized the poetic beauty of a woman
Sue I - My first close female friend
Caroline F - My first "quirky" romance
Anne S - My first on-again, off-again flirtation
Timi S - My first burning sexual fantasy
Barbara K - My second, and more sophisticated burning sexual desire
Lisa S - The cute young girl I moved way too quickly with
Lori R - My first "really sexy friend of a girlfriend" girl
Diane K - My first intelligent relationship
Walden Pond Girl - My first experience in a "girl away too young" relationship
Barbara D - My first "girlfriend turned to enemy turned back to friend turned to long lost" relationship
Sue R - My first truly serious, long term love, turned to longing memory
Kim D - My first "I really like you and want to have sex with you and finally have sex with you but get Clamidia" girlfriend
Mary G - My final turn at love
You can perceive this any way you wish. I'm a letch. I don't get out much. I haven't been laid in a while...
So I go to Vox in Boston to get together with some friends I haven't seen in a while that I used to work with. Great to see them but I don't really remember much of anything anyone said.
You see, and of course all guys are like this, I could not keep my eyes still.
It was the Eyecandy. The parade was nonstop. Just as soon as I had admired one incredible beauty and forced my mind and eyes back to the conversation at hand, there passed yet another eye popping beauty queen.
Why is it that is is almost impossible for me....and most other guys I assume, to loose all train of thought and just gawk? It's rude, it primitive, and I'm sure annoying to the ogled one.
Should we justify it by saying, "Hey, I'm just admiring one of God' beautiful creations." Or maybe , "Gee, I don't really need to look her in the eye when I am talking to her, do I?" Or, "Well, the poor girl could only find a shirt that was 4 sizes too small for her so she feels bad and needs the attention." Even, " Well, something just might slip out of her shirt...and I just want to be there to shield her from all the other loser gawking guys." Um...yea right!
Anyway you try to rationalize it, it just sounds stupid. So, I don't. I just look. Yup, I look. If I get caught, I smile and look away....well for a few seconds at least!
After a year of medicinally purging themselves of the psychological terror experienced over the course of their tenure at the now defunct TFA/Leo Burnett Technology Group through a new form of treatment called "Chatsip" (a now medically proven form of bitching, dishing and gossiping in a group like forum), all former employees of the Chicago based agency have been given a clean bill of health from the Bisceglia Mind Mapping Institute.
This new form of psychological healing for advertising employees subjected to the rigors of client meetings, con calls, Inbox fattening email jokes, pointless corporate policies, gratuitous holiday gifts, and idiotic management practices has the industry abuzz with comment.
�I�m not sure I buy into the treatment.� said Jim Mullen of the Mullen Institute for Woodland Cults. �Over the course of our Institutes existence, we have seen our method of soothing woodlands and illusions of mansion grandeur to be the most superior form of keeping employees in line�uh..I mean keeping employees happy.�
�This is all very interesting�� said Jack Conners of the HHCC Sky Club for Advertising. �But we have had wonderful success keeping our overworked and underpaid employees free of ad related stress simply by overpowering that stress with the stress of an airplane potentially flying right through their office window. We have actually created a campaign that includes posters on the windows showing an approaching airplane. Employees love it. Stress is down. Productivity is up. Everyone is happy.�
Out in Maynard, Massachusetts, Pat Harpell of the Harpell Lack of Management Skills Institute disagrees with this touchy-feely approach as she describes it. �Employees don�t need of this new soft handed babble speak to get them to produce. All they need is management that mind fucks them so intensely that their only choice is to stare blankly at their cube wall saying, �My opinion doesn�t matter. I have nothing to add. Management doesn�t give a shit what I think. I am of no value to this company. I am a helpless automaton with no alternative other then to Do my Fuckin Job�. This approach has been so successful for us that we have won the downsizing race of late. We were actually able to go from 65 people to 13..inside of a year! Now, I call that a system that works!�
Former employees of TFA/LBTG are ecstatic with the results.
Jon Carpenter, former TFA/LBTG Interactive Designer gleefully explains, �At first, I just could not stop talking about it. I just had so much to say. In fact, I was the most psychologically addicted member of the team. Now�I am completely free. I have nothing more to say.�
Doug Geer, former Art Director and another very prolific participant in the treatment was actually the first to be cured. He was the first to state that, �It as a great ride but now I am cured. I�m done. I�m ready to move on!�
However, while this has been a shining success story and a truly revolutionary form of Advertising Psychosis, there have been some side effects to the treatment. At the thought of ending this group related form of treatment, former Media Director, Steve Hall literally broke down in tears and begged his former agency mates to keep participating in the treatment only to have the Psychosis crawl up his ass and start eating the shit out of his colon.
Mr. Halls fears were put to rest, though, after a sympathetic member of the group offered help with a unique psychosis reducing tactic within the treatment. This unique tactic within the treatment called the �Doug Geer Top Ten List� enabled Mister Hall to regain his composure, stop begging, and is on his way to a full recovery.
As a whole, the former member of TFA/Leo Burnett Technology Group now look back fondly yet longingly to a time that once was. A time that can now be remember as one of pleasure and not on filled with management inanities and $3,000 expense accounts. They have all purged themselves of the oft-experienced �Seanerrorism� nightmares that used to plague all during sleep.
In the Advertising world, there can be happy endings. The group is know to get together on occasion to relive the positives during those intense years of their careers and to dwell not on the terror of the past but on the optimism of the future.
Surprisingly, and due in no small part to the �Chatsip� treatment, most have stayed in the advertising business and are now able to enjoy the true joys of advertising without the nasty side effects.
Just yesterday, an agency called 3i has decided to try this new treatment program after having experienced amazingly similar symptoms to those of the former TFA/LBTG employees.
(Please lawyers, this is a parody)
$114 Million....who knew??
I always thought my all time favorite (mindless pop category, mind you) would forever be on top.
No, that's not an alien in the picture. That thing is inside all of us!
Haven't talked much about this lately. Mostly because it's almost over. Only four more chemo treatments to go. So in June, I am Chemo free! But not treatment free. Alas, for the next five years, I will be subjected to an annual butt probe more professionally referred to as a Colonoscopy. It's really not as freaky as you might think. You are basically asleep during the "probing".
Here's a fun fact: Do you know that when they do a Colonoscopy, the "probe" goes five feet inside you. FIVE FEET!! At first, I was like, shit, it's gonna come out my mouth! Well, the trusty Doc assured me that your intestines go on forever and we have to be sure to get a good look. Hmm...how comforting.
Five feet....well....I guess that is good news for overly endowed gay guys!
As antiseptically "medical" you want to make the whole thing, there is still a particular gross feeling about the whole subject. Maybe it wouldn't bother me so much if I was gay....maybe I'd look forward to it!
OK, gay community, that's just a joke!
MIMC SMITH & SUITA, INC. AND MARKETWISE INNOVATIONS STUDY REVEALS SIGNIFICANT SHIFT TO INTERNET MARKETING
Smith & Suita (www.smithandsuita.com), and Marketing Innovations jointly conducted a nationwide survey about "What Matters Most when Marketing in a Tough Economy" and found that the majority of U.S.-based software marketing executives voted Internet marketing as the big winner in 2002. Seventy percent of the companies interviewed are planning to increase their Internet marketing efforts and only five percent will spend less money in this area in 2002. Online direct mail is also becoming increasingly important, respondents said, pointing to its lower cost, quicker response time and targeting flexibility when compared to print mail.
My son, who is 5, has taken to watching Discovery or National Geographic channel with his Mother some nights when we are both too lazy to read him a story. (Damn, TV for the creation of many lazy ass habits) So it's fun to hear him re-cap what he has seen. He has this amazing memory where he can recite almost word for word what he has heard on TV. The funny thing is, it's not the shows content he is reciting, it is the commercials. So what do I get?
"One whale, one ship, the exciting story of Moby Dick. On Discovery from 1-3PM today!"
"Is your back sore? Do you have pain in the morning? Do you wish your bed was more comfortable? Well...you need the CraftMatic Adjustable bed. Buy one now and get this handy wood chipper valued at $99. But, it's free with your purchase of a Craftmatic Adjustable bed!"
I'm serious, he recites this stuff word for word. What will it be next? "Help. I've fallen and I can't get up!" Daddy, your gonna need this when you get old!
Or later in life, "Dad! I can get these 12 CDs for only 3 cents! Come on, can I sign up?" Yea sure kid, and wait until they tell you have to buy "only" 4 CDs at $75 a piece to to get those 12 CDs.