GoDaddy Needs to Retire Breasts That Don't Bounce
Dear Bob Parsons,
While your infatuation with Candice Michelle is clearly understood, your infatuation with placing her in commercial after commercial is not. We'd be more likely to understand that infatuation if the commercials were actually any good but with each new addition to the collection, the commercials slip further down the hill towards uninteresting mediocrity. It was funny once when Candice couldn't keep her top on. It was mildly funny when she rubbed her boobs against the window while on that window washing scaffolding. But it's hardly funny at all to watch her run through sprinklers across a golf course while an old dude gawks "Oh, the GoDaddy Girl!" Some amount of interests in the spot might occur if Candice's water-soaked breasts actually moved in a manner resembling human physiology rather than that of a plastic surgeon's creation.
That said, the spots wouldn't be any better if Candice were flat or a natural 36DDD. Since the original Super Bowl spot, Bob, an important thing called creativity seems to have eluded you. No doubt Candice is a wonderful person but it's time to move on. The gimmick is dead. It's time to leave the whole bimbo routine behind. Perhaps, with your new GoDaddy Girl, Danica Patrick, the obsession with big, fake breasts will wane. Now, if you want to feature yet another GoDaddy Girl who sports big breasts that actually move while in motion, we might not be so critical. Oh but wait, then we'd simply be perpetuating the stereotype of casting women as objects of desire. We'd never want to do that, right, Bob?
So, Bob, it's really time to move on. It's time for a new approach. Time stop the ogling, the breaking tank top straps, the wet t-shirt runs, the bimbo maneuvers. Oh fuck it. Just go out and build a stable to GoDaddy Girls rivaling the collection of Maxim Girls and you and your business will be gold.
Equally Breast Obsessed,