Cause Groups to Transform Ad Industry, Simpler Days Ahead
Son: Dad, what's that?
Dad: It's an ad.
S: But it just looks like a plain piece of paper.
D: No, it's an ad.
S: Well what's it an ad for?
D: I 'm not sure but I know it's an ad.
S: How do you know?
D: Because there's nothing offensive about it.
S: So ads can't be offensive?
D: Oh no. Not at all. And that's how I know it's an ad.
S: Um...OK. But, wait. I don't get it. There has to be something that isn't offensive they could use in the ad, right? Like if it's an ad for a flower shop, show some flowers?
D: No that would offend plant lovers who would find the visual flattening of a flower to be a harmful and painful representation and might encourage a mass plant flattening among highschool students.
S: Um...OK. But what if it was a car ad. You could just show a picture of the car, right?
D: No, that would offend People for the Ethical Treatment of Asphalt who believe it's unkind to let the weight of a car press down on pavement for too long.
S: But the car could be driving?
D: No. That would offend the Association of Safe, Sound, Humane Over Land Equipment Supporters.
S: OK, what if someone just drew a picture of the car.
D: No because drawing the curved lines of the vehicle would be offensive to women.
D: The Coalition for Universal and Naturalistic Treatment of all Sexes would think the car maker was objectifying women by assigning sleek and curvaceous lines to an inanimate object.
S: Inani-what? Oh forget it. Then couldn't they just, like, write some stuff about the car?
D: Oh nooooo. Never words. Words have been deemed far too likely to be interpreted in ways other than they were intended by the Institution for the Distribution of Intelligence, Oratory and Technical Skills.
S: But, Dad! How can a blank piece of paper be an ad? It makes no sense.
D: Oh it makes perfect sense. Ads became so stupid that no one paid attention to them except for the cause groups that complained about them. So the brands and the agencies that made the ads, neither of which like conflict, basically did whatever the cause groups told them to do, then got together and decided not to make ads anymore because it was too much work. It was also getting too expensive to submit the ads to the hundreds of award shows each year...and it was cutting into the thing advertisers like most -- going to parties.
So they both decided the money would be better spent making products people would actually want to buy and to stop wasting it on all the other stuff no one needed or wanted. Trillions of dollars were saved and agencies could go on doing what they do best: talking about themselves and going to award shows. And...since there were no actual ads, everyone just showed up with their piece of white paper and -- the best part -- everyone got an award. It really transformed the industry.
S: But wait. If the ad people don't make ads anymore, what do they do?
D: Someone has to make all this white paper.