Nothing Says Confidence Like a Manly Man's Beard

Ever wonder what Bob Garfield's really like? Newsgroper sorted it out. Check out Garfield's true mausoleum of unfiltered thoughts and opinions.

Via Make the Logo Bigger, who found it at home base for that naughtiest of ad men, George Parker. (Because we're kind of like a knitting circle.)

Pig Songs Take Shot at Saving Farmers from Extinction

UK-based National Pig Association surveys say consumers would pay more to keep high-quality British pig farming in business. Currently, farmers lose about 20 pounds ($39.09) per pig.

The elegant solution: "Stand By Your Ham," an objectively painful pop appropriation. Stay safe and Read the lyrics instead.

Sensory molestation aside, will the song save British farmers from losing their livelihoods? (It sure as hell won't save pigs.)

See ponderous print ad too.

You Want It. You Need It. The iHam 5J!

It's a high-cholesterol take on Apple's design-makes-the-man ethos.

This was part of an in-office Christmas promo for the employees of Shackleton Direct. Packages included a CD, manual and "iKnife." The site somehow generated 400,000 visits across Latin internet audiences and 100,000 YouTube views, says Shackleton.

In exchange for serving as muse, the team sent an iHam package to Steve Jobs. Awww.

Microsoft Promises to Stop Being So Damn Mean

The breakdown of its commitment:

o Open APIs (a la Google) for Microsoft Office
o 30,000 shared pages of documentation for Windows client and server protocols
o Resisting the temptation to sue the crap out of open source devs

We'll see how long that lasts. What's the turnaround time for a bully in rehab?

Because a Clinton Doesn't Go Down without a Fight!

To win the youth vote Obama stole like a thief in the night, Hillary further strains our suspension of disbelief with "the playlist for YOUR future."

It's a UGC support site! (We like how when you mouse over the videos, the bottom right-hand corner says "Posted by Americans!")

Does Hillary speak for you?

You Don't Need an Actor. You Need a Wizard.

Looking for a spokesperson? Alex Perez isn't just a spokesguy; he's an ad wizard. He's also brazenly unafraid of making those "Sex me with your eyes" poses that midlife-crisis-driven creative directors love inflicting on innocent bystanders.

Self-produced ad work includes Double A-OK for Duracell and Pepto Star for Pepto Bismol. Please watch them. Please.

Maybe We Need More Chest Hair.

"Crack One Open" is a Cenergy Communications-developed campaign for Steinlager. It involves rugby and broken bones. We don't really get it.

To help us get it, the PR guy was all, "If fart jokes say 'beer,' why not bandages, rx pads, x-rays?"

And then we were like, "Fart jokes say beer? Oh right. If Budweiser says so, it must be true."

'Jesse Fewer Watts' Rounds Up 'Incan Derek' For Vermont Efficiency

We're assuming these three Kelliher Samets Volk-created commercials for Efficiency Vermont, an organization which encourages people to use compact fluorescent bulbs, were purposefully created to be bad. If not, we have no other explanation for why the they are so goofy. See one of the spots here. The other two are nearly identical.

Along with the three spots, the campaign includes local newspapers, online ads and a website on which "Jesse Fewer Watts" (get it?) and his Western buddies ride into town to collect "Incan Derek" (that's stretching it) for his crimes against light bulb efficiency.

OK, OK. It's for a good cause. We'll stop complaining.

Kraft Preys on Office Angst to Promote TASSIMO Hot Beverage System

Say hello to Who Hired Bob, a go-to hub for contrived office-centric web drama, created by Ogilvy Entertainment for Kraft's TASSIMO.

It's not funny. But Who Hired Bob does two interesting things:

1) It offers a $20 rebate on a TASSIMO hot beverage machine in exchange for your email address, and
2) It does that "choose your own adventure" thing at the end of each webisode, which we've already professed to like a lot.

more »

What Ho, It's an STA Travel Campaign

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books that served as the gateway to your Lord of the Rings and/or Star Wars fixation?

STA Travel hopes to harness that escapist magnetism to promote the relaunch of STA Travelers, which is jam-packed with friendly thimble-shaped profile placeholders.

Play with Choose Your World Adventure. Don't worry; the website does so little that you'll still be forced to use your imagination. On the cheery up, you'll get lots of crap in your mailbox.