Enlarged Ego? Patchy Facial Hair? Plain Awkward? Adrantsarax May Be Right for You

This is awesome!

For client Cedra, Door Number 3/Austin put together Get Your Drug On. It confirms a suspicion we've had for years: that making a drug, or at least the ads for a drug, is as easy as Mad Libs.

Also, gotta love that waiting room music.

Twix Tears One Out of the 'Choose Your Own Adventure' Playbook

Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books that pretty much let you decide whether you'd die two, or twenty, pages into the story? Visit Twix.com for a grown-man version of the game. You won't get to ride any unicorns, but if you're lucky, you might get to ride something else.

The adventure is called "Get the Girl." The protagonist convinces a girl to come home with him by inviting her over to blog about the media. (That gets me every time.) But there are obstacles! Mull your options over with Twix. (Helpful hint: at the very end, pick "Be honest." You'll dig what happens.)

Accompanying spot: "Oh, blogging! I love blogging!"

Bored, Wealthy and Evil? Have We Got the Distraction for You

Here's a campaign that could prove useful if you're ever in the Netherlands with more money than you deserve, you gold-digging footballers'-wives, you.

For Miljonair Magazine, Kong/Amsterdam launched the 2008 Swiss-German Phrasebook for Footballers' Wives. A new phrase will be added each day of Euro Cup 2008.

Paris Hilton might find today's phrase handy. But I plan to use yesterday's -- "Excuse me, I thought this was supposed to be a luxury gym?" -- later this afternoon, when all those horrifying children start pouring into the local gym's rubber mat area. Being a bitch in Dutch strikes me as potentially more satisfying than being a bitch in Queens English. (And by Queens, I mean the one in New York.)

Lotus Toilet Paper Absorbs More than Its Fair Share of Moisture

Check out The Giant by agency Les Ouvriers du Paradis, possibly the most charming bathroom fairy tale ever. You don't have to speak French to infer why Lotus' Just 1 is the toilet paper of choice for mythically large men.

It's so absorbent, you'll only need one sheet! That's the kind of claim that titillates T.P. abusers like me. (I like to yank generously. It's a habit I'm trying to break.)

I want to argue the spot's more logical in the manner of its pitch than Charmin's squeeze-fetish Whipple spots, but that argument fell to pieces when the giant made with the elongated Lotus-fondling.

Starbucks Goes Bananas, Mennen Spiffs, Cusack Talks Dirty Politics, Microsoft Bans 'Gay'

- Can your manly-man hair pass the caress test?

- If a chaste mermaid won't save Starbucks, maybe frozen bananas will. (Ugh, dude.)

- Some celebrities educate the public on the Burma situation; John Cusack tallies similarities between McCain and Bush. MoveOn, as usual, is helping raise money to get the ad on air.

- Apparently the Copyright Nazis are after more than just pirates these days. In the UK, you can be prosecuted for playing music too loud or playing it for callers on hold without a license. From now on, let's just keep all music secret and see how the record industry fares.

- Baseball and the Tour de France aren't the only sports to disillusion one-time fans; almost half of Advertising Age readers believe the NBA rigs its games. I fondly await the day Canadians lose faith in hockey. Oh wait, many - already - have.

- A Microsoft Xbox Live group banned a player because he used "gay" in his gamer tag, "RichardGaywood." Upon discovering that was the guy's name, they BANNED IT ANYWAY. Microsoft, you charmers, you.

Learn to Distinguish Between Storks. One of Them Isn't Carrying Children

Some storks bring you babies. But watch out for the one with the glasses; he's got nothing but pickles.

Publicis & Hal Riney/SF is helping to reposition reinvigorate pickle company Vlasic and its 34-year-old stork icon. The stork's personality was modeled off Groucho Marx and appears in current TV ads* as a quirky friend of the family. Vlasic's tagline was also changed to "That's the tastiest crunch I ever heard."

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MySpace to Redesign. See Mock-Ups Here

MySpace is redesigning its site, partly to make it more ad-friendly.

It also plans to improve nav, music and internal search, MySpaceTV (expect better embed/sharing options) and profile editing (kinda nifty).

Phase I of the redesign goes live June 18th. One advertiser bought all MySpace's ad real estate for that day. No word on who it is, but expect a major brand or an overhyped movie. (Film promotions for The Incredible Hulk are currently wreaking havoc on the homepage.)

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Yahoo Castrates Microsoft Talks, Forms Search Relationship with Google

Yahoo to Microsoft: no, you can't have the company, and no, you can't buy our search, either. This follows FOUR MONTHS of hardcore media drama between the two of them. Here's a word from stock market angryman Carl Icahn (who, btw, is trying to oust Y!'s board):

In my opinion it will be extremely difficult for Microsoft or any other companies to trust, work with and negotiate with a company that would go to these lengths [to scuffle a deal].

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Missy Elliott, Adidas Bring R-E-S-P-E-C-T Back to Fashion

With help from Adidas, Missy Elliott has launched Respect M.E. Originals, a clothing line she plans to promote through mEgo.com's social avatars and widgets.

She's also picking five girls to serve as global brand ambassadors for Respect M.E.'s 2009 tour. Would-be models must register an mEgo account.

Respect M.E.'s promotional imagery brings Gwen Stefani to mind. She also launched a clothing line -- L.A.M.B. -- and lolled all over a gilded throne to promote it on an album of the same name. Guess that's the thing to do when you're a diva. But hey. If I were 15, I'd sooner play "brand ambassador" for Missy than for Macy's.

Master Casters Bring Extreme Element to Fishing

Here's something I've never seen before. For client Take Me Fishing, Colle + McVoy launched the Mastercasters, a site where you can watch some intense-looking guys do stuff like hit clay pigeons with their lures. Oh, and here's one where a dude shoots pyramids of empty cans by casting at them.

If master casting is the recreational activity for you (and how could it not be?), absorb some anglers' legacy and explore the available fishing and boating resources. Oh, I think I saw a Fishopedia somewhere.