"That's Dan. And I'm Dan's pancreatic cancer."
How do you even begin to take a pitch like that seriously?
I just love how, after describing Dan's untimely death with a listless "eh," Pancreatic Cancer looks out the backseat window and croons (with the most subtle of accents), "I have 35,000 other people to kill this year."
Blase, baby, blase. Unintentionally hilarious work by Gardner Nelson + Partners for the Lustgarden Foundation. Somebody needs to page Charlie Brooker and tell him to update his list.
Check out "First Time," the first-ever online video attempt by a company called Slendertone.
Put together by Publicis, the video depicts individuals, couples and groups either grinning or standing around uncertainly -- before their faces explode with either alarmed or joygasmic expressions.
The ad leaves you to guess what Slendertone actually does, but especially curious users are invited to visit slendertone.com, where all is revealed.*
Until you actually go out of your way to do that, however, you'll probably be standing around going, "It's a vibrator, right? Or an orgy-inducing party game?"
Probably doesn't help that at some point, the feel-good background song exclaims, "I'm about to blow, yeah!"
We all hit an age where our innocence is lost and we should be kept away from balloon animals at all costs.
Know why? Because, given the opportunity, we'll grab two and make them hump each other, either out of boredom or to entertain other co-eds whose brains haven't fully developed yet.
Capitalizing on this sad phenomenon, Durex gives us its latest online vid, which Superfad CD Robert Rugan creatively dubbed kama-balloon-animal-sutra.
"When you get the chance to create 'kama-balloon-animal-sutra', everyone involved gets really stoked about pushing the boundaries as much as possible," Rugan beamed.
Ever on the lookout for sensory violations, Brentter's brought us Angry Whopper ads for the UK and Germany.
In case you need refreshing, Burger King recently announced the availability of its Angry Whopper in the US with this bizarre ad, where a farmer physically abuses an onion during its crucial growing stage.
As a result, the onion leaves the earth hotter than Satan's feet. Added to a jalapeno-infused Whopper, it spanks the mouth of any office cog who dares order it.
It turns out the Angry Whopper's been on the market in Europe since May, with ads obviously tailored to each culture. The UK spot is pretty tame -- an anger management teacher, who thinks she can "handle" her rage, doesn't handle it very well after taking a bite.
As for the German one? Well, it's Germany. Add a fetish, slip it in leather and give it a whip.
Microsoft channels Dr. Horrible with this scary new ad for Songsmith. Not since Vista's Rockin' Our Sales music video has Bill Gates' baby so deftly tapped the Twitter rubbernecking reflex.
The Martin agency has added two new spots to the Geico Kash campaign. That's the campaign in which the creepy looking stack of money with eyeballs appears seemingly to indicate the money one could have saved had one been a Geico customer.
The interesting thing about these spots is that they are so random. In one, a roofer tells another roofer he's being scoped out, one assumes, by a girl. As it turns out, it's just that creepy stack of Geico money. In another, a man stops to ask a guy working on a fence for directions. After a longish pause in which the guy in the car considers how the hell he's going to get where he's going, he notices the Geico stack of money. Fence guy looks and says, "Poor fella. He must have following your for miles. Looks tired."
Cue mid-eighties dance tune Somebody's Watching Me.
After setting up its first-ever 4G wireless broadband network in Portland, Clearwire tapped Secret Weapon Marketing to promote its merits: better internet speeds, broader coverage.
The result was a series of irreverent prints -- and "Sprinkles," a TV ad that compares wireless coverage to cupcake sprinkles. (Rivals are represented by a stingy sprinkling; meanwhile, Clearwire's coverage deluges the bakery with diabetes-inducing hail.)
"Welcome to the future," the narrator says smugly.
Sunil Shibad, the brains behind this whole debacle, just linked us to his new year greeting card.
Illustrated by the image of a gun barrel loaded with a single, heart-shaped bullet, the card reads, "Make love not war. Make love get AIDS. Either way you die."
We're still uncertain what to make of it ... but we're pret-ty sure that logic could use some retooling.
Dear Chuck McBride,
Assuming you had a hand in its creation, we just watched your Cow Gives Birth to a Guy commercial in which, yes, a cow gives birth to a guy...wearing Ray-Bans and we're, well, disgusted. No wait, freaked out. No wait, astonished. No wait, horrified. No wait, laughing out loud. No wait, what? We have no idea.
Fake sunglass tossing videos are one thing. This thing falls into an entirley different category. OMFG, we're calling the SPCA. Or is it PETA? Or is it NICFA? NDFA? ADA? DFA?
Surely someone's gonna have a problem with a 6'2" guy getting extricated from a mommy cow! Oh wait, that's it. The manure storm is about to hit! Mommy Cow Bloggers are gonna be all over your ass about this one!
1. Open a can of the caffeine-fueled stuff and down it.
2. Strap on a snowboard/skateboard.
3. Film yourself being pulled behind a train until...