Britney Unimpressively Dents Car with Umbrella

We'd elaborate but really, it's exactly what it sounds like. And normally we'd launch into some kind of diatribe about how tailoring Brand You is a life work (does Mr. Peanut go nutty? Does the Green Giant yell 'enough is enough'?) but something about Britney's bald enraged head discourages us.

"I think she's going to commit suicide soon," whispers a scandalized intern nearby. "Oh my God - I'm so sad." He bites his fist to repress his laughter. We stared at him awhile longer and realized this is probably the way most of her former fans are reacting. She's dropped long and hard from the Toxic days.

We wouldn't be surprised if some maverick company decided to rescue the Spears (a la Virgin's Kate Moss swoop post-scandal) and make her a freak poster child. It would certainly draw attention. Look at all the attention going to waste that she's generating now.