Beer Hunk Ad Results in Formation of Canexico, BJs For Every Man
This was published here a little over a year ago and in the interest of reviewing the predictions made in the article, we're reprinting it. All the predictions haven't come true but we are certainly on our way.
What? Wait a minute. This just isn't right. Have we finally realized women aren't the only objects that can be used to sell beer? Is it possible a hot guy could attract as much attention as a hot girl? Just what is going on here? Are we observing a new trend of sorts? What, pray tell, are all the leering, slobbering, Budweiser drinkers going to do now that they may be subjected to the trite objectification of men instead of the beer babeliciousness they have come to expect from most brewers' advertising?
We are stunned. Stunned! Have we reached a culturally significant watershed moment here? This just boggles the mind. This turns things upside down. Are the Coors Twins out of a job? What about the Miller Lite Cat Fight babes? The St. Pauli Girl? The Rolling Rock Beer Ape Babes? The Milwaukee's Best Automotive Girl? The Foster's Beer Boob? The Bavaria Beer grocery store stripper? Beer.com's Virtual Bartenders? The Troegs Beer burping and farting babe? The Labatt's Blue lesbians?
Cultures will crumble! Models be out of work! Beer drinkers will rebel! Anarchy will become the norm! Without the enjoyment of the beer babe, men will turn increasingly to porn. They will stop buying beer. Beer makers will suffer. Jobs will be lost. St. Louis will disappear. Sales tax revenue will plummet. Government services will be cut. Personal income tax will have to increase resulting in lower take home pay. Mortgages will default. Foreclosures will increase. Banks will fail. The secondary loan market will grind to a halt. Wall Street will be affected. Global economies will suffer.
American pride will disappear. The world will walk all over America turning it into a poor, depressed, third world nation. Canada and Mexico will take notice teased by the possibility of expanding their respective nations. War between the two will break out. Americans will be cast aside as they, themselves, once cast aside the Indians who once walked the land before them. After five long years of civil war and millions of lost lives, Canada and Mexico will call a truce, cast aside their differences and agree to become a new, united nation aptly named Canexico.
Dejected former Americans, after five years of war and another five years of social ostracism. pine for the happy days of the beer babe but with Canexico government officials making it illegal to objectify women in advertising, unemployed women turn to a foreign organization named Svedka Vodka which, over the last decade has amassed an army of Fembots to join their worldwide ad campaign and real world effort to dominate the globe with female objectification in order to passify millennia of senseless, war mongering male aggression.
By marching fully nude armies across the borders of European and Asian nations, Svedka accomplished what the formerly testosterone-led human race could never before accomplish, world peace. Men became docile, subservient chicken-like beings pleased that wherever they traveled, there'd be thousands of naked women to keep their spirits up and their testosterone levels down.
Smartly employing the knowledge a happy, sexually satisfied man is a relaxed, subservient and wholly non-aggressive, non-nation building man, the sole responsibility of the Svedka Fembot army was to do what that Belgian Senate candidate, ten years before, could never accomplish on her own, deliver blow job to every man in the world on as as-needed basis keeping testosterone levels at bay and insuring continued world peace.
Each year, Svedka Vodka and the entire world honor the Stella Artois Hunk for the aspirational influence he had on the human race, his role in the elimination of harmful beer babe ads and for his contribution to world peace.